Being Gay and Sikh in the UK - a personal perspective
Testimony of JS - 29 year old man from London
22nd
October 2007
My parents are both religious Sikhs. They go to the
gurdwara at least once a week, and my father does paath (prayers)
every evening. Growing up in such a household, I was brought up to
respect the values and beliefs held by the Sikh religion. However,
one aspect of my life that made my teenage years more difficult than
for most was the fact that I was gay.
I was 12 when I realised that I was gay. At first,
I had no idea how to deal with that part of my life. I saw it as
something that I would have to keep hidden from people, overcome my
feelings and emotions, and get married to a woman in order to keep
my family happy. I saw no other way to deal with the
situation.
At the gurdwara, I decided to occupy my time by
carrying out seva (voluntary work) as I found it difficult to
understand the sermons and hymns which were all in Punjabi. However,
as time went on, I found that I enjoyed doing seva and that my
understanding of Sikhism was expanding due to my research into what
the religion had to say about homosexuality. The themes I
continually came across were those of tolerance, equality and
acceptance. Although I found no reference to homosexuality, I did
find references to living a family-orientated life as a householder.
My first watershed moment came when I made a
pilgrimage to Hemkunt Sahib (a gurdwara in the Himalayas, located
next to a lake where the last living Sikh Guru is purported to have
meditated in a previous life). When I paid my respects at that
gurdwara, I asked God to turn me straight, and I felt that God would
answer my prayers because the arduous mountain trek reflected my
trust and belief in Him/Her. Looking back on my belief, it seems
quite naïve, but I was only 16 at the time. I returned home to the
UK, saw that I had not become straight, and it was only then that I
accepted my sexuality as being God’s will.
My second watershed moment came later on in life.
Although I had now accepted my sexuality, I believed that I could
only fulfil my life as a family-orientated individual by marrying a
woman and having children with her. I was convinced that I would be
married by the time I was 30, and that I would have to forget all
about my homosexuality when I married. However, when I was 21, a
close friend of mine did exactly that. He was Sikh, wore a turban,
and got married when he was pressurised by his family to do so or
else risk being ostracised by them. The emotional blackmail that I
saw in that context forced me to confront the reality of what life
would be like if I had to marry a woman in order to keep my family
happy.
Once again, I found solace in my religion. I grew
to accept that I could live the life of a householder by adopting a
child with my partner, whoever he may be. Being gay is no barrier to
being a Sikh, but that is something which has taken me a long time
to understand and appreciate fully.
Having come out of a 3 ½ year relationship quite
recently, I continue to look at my religious beliefs as providing an
anchor of stability in a sea of uncertainty. I may no longer have a
partner, but I have faith that I shall find the right man to spend
my life with and I also have the memories of a loving relationship.
My ex-partner respected my religious beliefs, despite the fact that
he was himself an atheist, and he made the effort to attend Vaisakhi
celebrations as he realised how important Sikhism was in my life.
All of my friends and colleagues know about my
sexuality. My mother and my sisters have been extremely supportive.
The only person from my immediate family who doesn’t know about my
being gay is my father, and that is an obstacle which I will have to
confront very soon. I don’t know how he will react, but I hope that
he will grow to accept my sexuality or in the very least not shun me
because I am gay.
Now that I am fast approaching 30, I have started
to look at my life to see what I have achieved to date and what I
hope to achieve over the coming years. Being gay and wearing a
turban has not been easy, but with God’s grace I have managed to do
it and I am proud of my identity. Neither Sikhism nor my sexuality
is my sole identifier. My identity is formed by many other things,
such as my profession, my nationality and my musical tastes to name
a few. Being gay is just as much a part of my life as is my being
Sikh.
As for my future, I’ve no idea what will happen.
My ideal is to have a civil partnership, adopt children with my
partner, and for our small family to be accepted by our respective
parents and society as a whole. The reality may be much more
different. All I know is that my religious beliefs have helped me
thus far, and I’m sure that my faith in God will continue to give me
the inner strength to see me through any difficulties I come across
in my life.
